In contemporary society, we are well aware of the ways in which people harm or take advantage of others sexually. Certainly in the context Paul wrote, and throughout most of human history, that harm, that taking advantage of, has moved in one direction. From males to females. In the vast majority of situations where there is sexual harm and manipulation, it is men who have perpetrated perversion and evil on women. We know why. There is a physical power imbalance.
In the previous post, I mentioned two of three ways Paul teaches Christians to practice self-control in their expression of sexuality. Now the third: Paul explains in 1 Thessalonians 4, verse 6, how God’s view of human sexual expression leads to flourishing. God’s approach leads to flourishing because he desires a practice of human sexuality that intentionally avoids wronging others and taking advantage of others.
In verse 6 Paul says “no one should wrong his brothers or sister.” When he says “brother or sister” (some translations only refer to “brother”), Paul is not talking about inappropriate expression of sexuality within a family. Instead, Paul is talking about the church family. His point is that we do not do anything to wrong or to take advantage of people in our church family.
Of course, Paul is not saying, “Don’t hurt people sexually in the church family, but you are totally fine to hurt people sexually outside the church family.” No. The principle is clear. We should never hurt, manipulate, or take advantage of anyone in any way, sexually or otherwise.
And yet, we have so often heard from Christian men that their poor behavior is the women’s fault. As if women are the ones tempting men. As if men are incapable of self-control. As if men are robots who have been programmed to lose their minds at the slightest flirtation or sliver of revealed skin or tight clothing.
The idea that women are always or even mostly at fault is false. The idea that men are always or mostly innocent is false. I am also not saying that it is a both-and. I do not believe it is a both-and, as if men and women are equally at fault. No. I believe the vast majority of the harm and manipulation is due to men who use their free will to choose to do harm and manipulate and take advantage of women who are generally physically unable to stop the men.
Men, we simply need to do better. We need to train ourselves to honor and respect women enough that we look them in eye, respect them. We choose to avoid manipulation. We choose to battle temptation. We honor God with our bodies, with our eyes, with our minds.
One important step is to invite serious accountability. Place accountability on devices, if need be. Have an accountability partner who you can talk openly and honestly about your heart and mind. Fast-forward sex scenes, if need be. Force yourself to only look at women in the eye. Or if too much eye contact feels awkward, just look away for a second or two.
If you’re a man reading this, perhaps you’re feeling I’m being too hard on men. Maybe you’re wondering about what role women play? What about modesty?
Modesty is mostly culturally defined and culturally constructed. In some cultures, women are always topless. In others, the only part of the women’s body you can see is their eyes through a tiny slit in their head covering. And there are many other cultures with varying definitions of modesty in between those poles.
For Christians, there is no precise biblical definition of modesty, and therefore, Christians ought not mandate a particular rule of modesty.
Instead, men, we do well to practice self-control. Certainly, women are to practice self-control too. This is an equally applicable practice. But let me repeat. Given power dynamics, it is men who have perpetrated the vast majority of sexual pain throughout history, and thus we Christian men ought to emphasize self-control.
Photo by Alex Sheldon on Unsplash
Engaging Scripture 